do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
