opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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