I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
