why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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