Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
