So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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