Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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