I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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