look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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