i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
