I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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