grandma shit on top of the toilet
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
