booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you made out with another girl for some wings
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
