I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
