If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
