The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
