Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
