I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize