Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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