his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
