I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
