The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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