theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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