Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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