so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
