Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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