I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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