And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
