I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
