you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Drake has all the answers
Randomize