I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
