FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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