I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I cockslap morals
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
