but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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