You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
