i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize