I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
