I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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