I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
