I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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