hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
