Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
