allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
