I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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