At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
