drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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