Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
