I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
