i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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