my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
