I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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