seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
