you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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