i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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