her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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