Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I love you.
Bad choice
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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