I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
